None

I knew you'd try that.
I just knew.
And here I am, taking that action and multiplying it a hundred times over with reasons and motives as to why you did that!!!
I am frustrated.
FRUSTRATED!
That I can't seem to move beyond this.
I'm still stuck.
I'm still scared of what you might really think about me.
I understand that it is complete lack of trust on my part.
I desperately want to believe you.
But I don't.
Not sure I ever will.
And that makes me sad.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes?????

When I was a little girl, I had a recurring dream. More like nightmare. I remember it occurring every night (I was seven- it is quite possible that I have misinterpreted the frequency of this occurrence) for a long period of time (I might say a year but please keep in mind the fact that I was seven)...
My cousin and I would be walking in front of a shopping strip, empty parking lot and would somehow end up in the middle of a street which also happened to be at the top of a hill. Then, my cousin would disappear. There I was in the middle of the street, lost, scared and hopeless, searching for the direction- straining my eyes to see if I could see her somewhere down the road...anywhere! I would always wake up about that point, undoubtedly scared and unsure how to resolve the fear that beat inside my chest.

I am not quite sure when it stopped. Or why it stopped. I do know that I had that dream again about a year ago. With it came those old feelings.

Recently, my dreams have been extremely vivid. And scary. Not recurring, always different dreams about the same people or situation, seemingly. And with these come the same feelings. Fear, uncertainty, hurt, disappointment, anger! The dreams are so life-like that I find myself struggling with these feelings during my day, replaying the nightmare over and over and trying to separate my reality from my nightmare.

I know not about the meanings of my dreams. I have tried. And been somewhat unsuccessful at uncovering all the meanings. I do know that the feelings with which I struggle in my dreams are the feelings with which I struggle in my days. Maybe that is all it is and will ever be- just a way to decompress.
However, it would almost be worth it to not go to sleep!

The Warrior Is a Child...

Appreciate you telling me. I really do!
But am absolutely uncertain as to what to do with that bit of information.
Liked hearing that you thought of me, alot.
Not so sure what that means.
Hoping beyond hope that whatever you decide will only serve to bring you peace and contentment.
I, too, want peace and contentment.
More than that, I want your friendship.
Hard to move beyond that today.
I tried.
I really did!!!!
Only led to overthinking, sleep deprivation and tears.
More tears than I want to admit. More tears than were necessary.
Still awake...looking for distractions...

Oh My!

Day 11/45

I have to admit that I cheated a little.
I have logged in a couple of times in the last few days.
This is my confession. I am asking for forgiveness.

In other news...
There is a cute new match in the inbox of my online matchmaker. He is tall, dark, handsome, and left-handed!
Maybe. Just maybe.
But thinking about it now, and playing in my head, will only serve to fuel my disappointment when nothing happens. Or worse, rejection!

J- say a prayer, I would really like him to contact me!!!!!

I love my friends! :)

I Gave Facebook Up For Lent

Day 1/45

I have never formally celebrated Lent. In my family, it was commonly held as a legalistic ritual that did not fit with our 'religion.' But there is something about this tradition that calls to me. There is something about a willing sacrifice that offers hope of new perspectives, new ideas and new opportunities.

And there is a freedom that comes with the recognition that I have allowed something to so consume my thoughts, my time, my life that little else mattered.

Facebook has been my idol. Not facebook, only. But certain individuals on whom I depended for validation, reassurance, value, and significance. These things consumed me. Consume me, still. Motivate my decisions. And rip me apart on the inside.

I realize it is because I have taken my focus off 'heavenly things' and placed my heart in the hands of others. Hands that cared not. Hands that knew not how to handle the already-broken mess. Hands that held their own already-broken mess.

It is time to take back possession of my heart. And willingly place it in the Hands of Jesus. For Healing. Validation. Reassurance. Value. And Significance. Part of that process is removing myself from that which has only served to add to the chaos and confusion of my heart and mind.

Giving up facebook for Lent. Gaining Freedom, Peace, Security in Christ!!

God shows Himself mighty.
Every day.
With us.
Without us.
His Word tells us that He chooses "the simple things to shame the wise" and "the weak to shame the strong."

And God has chosen to use students just beginning their lives to speak to me, one who has struggled for most of her life to believe His truths.

No thing can be more humbling than that.

Save one.

I have known for most of my life that my calling in life was 'teacher.'

Most of my childhood, I would return from school only to retreat to my room and play 'school,' teaching any and all stuffed animals that would sit and listen. Somehow I ended up with teacher editions of old textbooks, which only served to enhance the game! I loved it!!!

I started out teaching social studies to high school students. I had lofty dreams of making a difference changing the world, if only the world of one child! I loved the thought of teaching older students and knew without a doubt that I was fulfilling my purpose. That was, until, I entered the high school classroom. What ensued was a year of hard lessons followed by an uphill journey to find 'my real purpose.' I knew, absolutely, at that point that teaching was not for me. I ran from teaching. I ran from God. And I ended up in a place that God was all I had. As it turns out, He was all I needed.

I walked through door after God-opened door and in this process was restored, redirected, and reassured that teaching was, in fact, my calling.
I began teaching elementary, starting in First Grade and moving to Kindergarten.
More processes.
More doors.
More lessons learned (and learning).

God has been faithful in these processes; through these doors; and in these lessons. God is concerned about me; He wants my best; and He will go to great lengths to bring about my growth!

I have been given opportunities to speak the Truth. I have seized those opportunities to share with these little ones, and in doing so have heard my voice speaking His Truth!

God shows Himself mighty.

In me.

Through me.

God has chosen to use my voice to speak to my soul.

Few things are more amazing than that!

Author Unknown...

I am reading a newly-purchased, bargain bin book that challenges readers to look beyond the superficial, outward appearances and see through to the heart of others. That is what I want, both to see and be seen for who I am without fear of judgment and rejection. I was drawn to this particular passage, a poem highlighting the differences between strong women by the world's standards and women who rely on the strength of God, and wanted to share it...

"A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape...but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape.
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything...but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.
A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her...but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.
A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future...but a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessings and capitalizes on them.
A strong woman walks sure-footedly...but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls.
A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face...but a woman of strength wears grace.
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.
-Author Unknown

Learning everyday...

For Julia...

Friend, I appreciate you! I miss you bunches. I think I am going through withdrawal :(

An update just for you...

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom Week-

Everyone needs a Chicka Chicka Coconut Tree...this one needed some help :)

Looking much better...

What a great week!!! We read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, listened to some Tropical Music, tasted a REAL coconut...and had a fabulous time!!!!!

Look what fell from our coconut tree!!!!!

YUM!!!!!!

Visit the School Day!!

Today was the day! I got to meet my students and their families! I have such cute kids!!! Funny how the majority of them acted shy! I do know that will not be the case for very long. I can't wait to see how they grow and develop this year.
School starts Thursday. Tomorrow I leave for a two-day retreat with my new school family. It will be fun. I work with people who will see to it that it is fun...

And then the year begins...

Classroom Update...

Things seem to be coming together:

"join me at the carpet, please" (carpet purchased, coming soon)...looks as though we are almost ready for morning meeting!

counter space lookin' like its ready for the first day of school!! not too fond of the drawer labels, but we can remedy that later...

centers up and ready to run! can't wait to start the word wall!!!!

a reading center rug! FINALLY!!!! thought it looked a little like grass- perfect for our coming attraction (stay tuned)!!!!

"It's going to be a COLORFUL year!!!"

very COLORFUL!!

and who can forget...

the beginning of it all!!!!!!!

Time is up. Tomorrow is "Visit the School" Day- the day I get to meet my students and their families. I am looking forward to it. But there is much still to be done!

New Chapters

WE are a week and a half out from the beginning of school! I signed my teaching contract on Monday and now have until Sunday to have my classroom ready. Sunday is the day we meet the parents!


This is where we are today:

It is a process...

Biggest accomplishment of the day?? The calendar bulletin board, which was left undone...

Lots of pretty cabinets...lots of storage space!!!!

A bit more chaos to deal with in the morning...

You can't see it from this angle, but that white board is WAAAAYYYYY crooked...

Nothing else much to say...

A to Z bookends: and wall art which reads "Every child is a story yet to be told."

There is so much to be done. And I have a ton of great ideas!!! I can't wait to get this year started!!!!! The theme in my classroom this year is FROGs (Fully Rely On God). And we send home with each of the students the stuffed 'class pet.' This year I am going to make several of them, each a little bigger than the previous, and the more the kids read the more he will GROW!!!!! I think this is one of my favorite ideas! What a unique way to motivate those developing readers!!!!!!!!

Comedy

There are days when I think that my life is completely sitcom-worthy. With such characters as boss (now ex-boss), who decides there is no place for me at his company but promptly asks if I will help his company move to their new building(after I am no longer working with them); co-worker who pinches me in inappropriate places and spells my name wrong on my 'farewell' card; sisters who fight like enemies and fall like clutzes; and me who can't decide what cereal to have in the morning or the best route to take to get to walmart...the comedy would not fail for lack of viewers!!!

There are moments when I cannot believe the situations in which I have gotten involved...I lived with a houkah lounge owner for a week. I lived with a scary crazy lady for six months. I have been courted, dated, stalked (all in the same week- not all by the same person)...I have been happy, angry, sad, psychotic (all in the same five minutes)...I have conquered, failed, run away, faced my giants...

I have learned. Lessons that may not have come about without the presence of these seemingly crazy circumstances. I have learned to ask important questions. To stand up for myself in situations where my security is threatened, even in the slightest. To interview employers and roomates, don't let them do all the asking! To breathe in the moment. Take it all in and not worry about the next moments. And to take a break and laugh- at yourself, at your family, and that sitcom...because laughter is, afterall, what helps us get through it all!

Finding good...

There is a certain someone. One who I know loves me in his own way. One who, despite shortcomings, mistakes, broken promises and failures, has succeeded in knocking down some of the wall that I have built over the last decade.

I have long wished for a different family dynamic. There were things for which I hoped and that I never got. I felt jilted in some way because I did not receive love they way they packaged it. I was looking for gaudy ribbons, shiny paper and novelty tags. But their gifts came in unexpected wrapping. And many times I missed them.

Not so this time. The difference, I think, was that I asked. I needed help. I called. They came. They stayed with me, stood up for me, made sure that the problem was satisfactorily solved. In the process some things occurred which only served to escalate the situation. I was in tears, they were irate, and not a lot was accomplished. But I knew in that moment that those people would do anything in the world for me. They did what I couldn't do. They stood up to people I didn't know how to defend myself against. They let these people know that we were not going away until the problem was solved. They were the epitome of what I always thought parents should be. Defenders, protectors, warriors in the battle of the World versus their Children. And though I was in tears, drained of strength and hope for that moment, I knew that they were my strength and hope. They knew how to get the job done. And they did.

What a perfect (though quite imperfect) example of what God is for us. He has done what we couldn't do. He has conquered sin and death through Jesus Christ in order that we may have abundant life forever. He is our defense, our strength, our protection, our hope.

I have a new understanding the term 'father.' A new understanding of what that term means in regards to my earthly father and my Heavenly Father. I am seeing Him in a brighter light. One that has revealed more of who He is and what He is all about. And I am seeing my dad differently. I have, for so long, focused on the things I felt that I had missed, instead of seeing the many things that I had already been given...
And all it took was a towed car, some very cold weather, some not-nice towing company people, and my dad!!!!!

For me, he will cancel his plans...

That is what he said. He has a weekly meeting that he will skip this week, because I asked him to go see a high school play with me. And we will be eating dinner beforehand.

First date? You be the judge...

The Flowers...

...seem happier this morning. They are not so droopy. A little bit of love and a lot of water go a long way-

What I Learned in Kindergarten Today-

#1. Open-toed shoes and kindergarteners don't mix. Countless anklebiters stepped on my toes today, of all days, when I wore sandals.

#2. Always, always, always clean off your desk! You never know when some new friend might bring you flowers.

I walked into my classroom ready for a much needed break and found a beautiful bunch of Pink Tulips! Just gorgeous!!! Only, my desk was quite unprepared for this addition. It was a complete mess!!! YIKES! Oh well, I now know better. I will try to keep my desk cleaner (not that I will receive pink tulips ever again)...

And thank you, special friend, for thinking of me today. It was the bright spot in my day...

Well,

it took me several days, but all is fixed for now. I was told that nothing had been reported to the credit bureaus and that the mistake was taken care of.

Part of me wonders if it is really over. They told me all was fixed but they also told me I owed at least 1 month's rent last week...only time will tell.



;)

Ironic

Several weeks ago, I received a notice on my apartment door stating that I was renting a washer/dryer unit from them and had not paid up. I promptly called and informed them that I did not have one of their units. "Oh we know, we sent one of those notices out to everyone."

"What? Are you kidding me????? Shouldn't they know who is renting from them?
Whatever, situation taken care of...

Until today. Yes, I received another notice on my door today stating that I owed at least one month's rent.

WHAT???? I owe a lot of people a lot of things. But rent to these apartment people is one thing that has not made the list...I am current. Have been since the day I moved in!

I called. No one answered.
Went by. All locked up.

Are you kidding me? Is this really happening? Are these people so dense that they can't mark me off the list every month for paying, and on time!?!?!?!!!

This is somewhat ironic because I have had some financial trouble in the past and have worked very hard to overcome this. If I am going to be reported to the credit bureaus regardless of my good payment history, then what is the point of trying to work hard to better my credit?!?!?!!

Ugh!!!!!

Note to self...

...and any other first year kinder teachers out there.

It is not a good idea to talk with too much detail about the way our bodies work. You might just find out that they know a lot more than you do...and have some very awkward questions.

:\

Crystal needs...

to do this, simply go to Google, type in "*Your Name* Needs" and copy the top ten answers to your blog...

Crystal Needs-

1. a lot of love.

2. someone that will be patient and who is willing to explain things to her.

3. a home.

4. to sit in a super-saturated solution to keep growing.

5. just 6-8 inches of snow.

6. improvement.

7. reviews.

8. to spend a great deal of time in solitude to meditate.

9. to sparkle again.

10. her hand held a little.

Almost scary, this is. Google knows me too well ;)