Cars...

Washing cars was never my strength.

More often than not, if my car gets a bath, it is because of the most recent rainstorm.

But I spent a couple of hours the other day washing cars, including mine.

I absolutely hate washing my car.

I love spending time and energy scrubbing and rinsing, and relishing in the beauty of the finished product. But I hold with great disdain the thought of identifying, and ultimately agonizing over, the blemishes that mar the appearance of my vehicle. They are no more than everyday dents and dings that accompany regular car use. Nonetheless, I don't want to know or have to deal with them.

I stumbled upon this realization in the middle of my dreaded chore. Wet and soapy from head to toe, and a bit frustrated that what I thought was dirt was actually scrapes, scratches, and dings, I wondered how many times we run from God for the same reasons. How many times do we sit in our filth because we think it would be easier, even better, to stay dirty than to find out that our dirt is hiding imperfections (or that our dirt is not dirt at all)? After all, it is easy to pretend that there are no imperfections if they are hidden and we don't have to deal with things that don't exist.

But if we don't know what is marred, how then can we fix it. I know that you know that I know that God knows all of our dirt, scratches, and dings. And God has offered us a way to get clean and deal with those wounds. He will heal those wounds. If we don't deal with them when they are small, they will only continue to grow bigger and cause more problems.It is not fun to go to God with all of our mess. But He is a gentle and full of compassion. And will clean. And will forgive. And will heal.

When was the last time you washed your car?

Six Months

May 30th I broke out in a rash that responded neither to benadryl nor steroids. Eventually I found a doctor who did not just treat the symptoms but would dig deep to find the cause.

Here I am, six months later with neither an answer nor hope of one soon. Today I went to the lab. They sucked me dry of all types of fluids and money.

I want to be done. I want to quit taking the meds. I want to quit going to the doctor. Some days it seems that it would be easier to live with the symptoms of this unnamed culprit than to keep spending money on time sitting in various doctor offices or getting stuck with needles or having to pee in bottles.

I know this is not anything outside of what everyone else has to go through. I am just tired. Frustrated. Done.

Doctors don't care anymore. Maybe they never did. I just rarely had to go before May. And now it seems that this is becoming my new normal.

I know it is only for a season. Just wondering how long this season has to last.

Change

Someone told me recently that I shouldn't spend too much time trying to change me, because I am great just the way I am...

Such words lighten the load my heart carries. They bring a smile to my lips. And more than that, they remind me that no matter how I try, I will never be successful at changing self. That is a job for one who knows me better than even I know myself.

I am thankful that God loves me where I am. And He loves me so much that He is not willing to let me stay where I am.

I am thankful that He can and does change hearts and lives! That He is changing mine!
Thankful for friends who speak such truth to my heart...thankful that I don't have to change me :)

Worth...

Went to battle today. Was on the front lines.
I fought long and hard.
But not quite sure I had the right weapons.
Feeling wounded, energy-drained from the emotions (and there were many) of the day.
How quickly the attack came. I only thought I was prepared.
I wasn't.

But was reminded by my fellow soldiers that this battle is not mine to fight alone.
It is the Lord's and He will fight for me.

I am worth fighting for.
I am worth fighting for.
I am worth fighting for.
I am worth fighting for.
I am worth fighting for.
I am worth fighting for.

And He is fighting for me.
He is fighting for me.
He is fighting for me.
He is fighting for me.
He is fighting for me.
He is fighting for me.

Yee Haw!!!

It's about time we got back to the important stuff...

The next two weeks, in Kindergarten, are dedicated to Texas! With that, comes discussion and activities centered around the Wild West and Cowboys. The only other time I did this, we went all out and even had a Rodeo Round-Up!!! That was great fun!

Won't be quite as adventurous this year...but the excitement has motivated me enough to go out and purchase a dress-up cowboy hat, complete with SEQUINS!!!! Boots are on the list...but not sure I can find a pair to match :)

May have to create my own...

Speaking of creating, I thought it would be awesome to have 'wanted' posters with students pictures on them for my door or bulletin board. Searched the teacher stores and came up empty-handed...Was going to order them from a popular supply catalog, but didn't want to pay shipping...

Next best thing? Creating them myself!! And that is exactly what I did!!! Found some parchment-looking paper at walmart and printed "WANTED BY GOD" in a special cowboy font on said paper. Decided to antique the edges with fire!!! It worked quite well...

Now all we need are pictures of some cute, Kinder Cowboys and Cowgirls!!!

Psalm 84:1

Heard this verse this morning, in a different context than ever before! It spoke volumes...

"How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty!"

I have read this verse several times over the course of my life and never stopped to explore its meaning. I took it quite literally, thinking it was referring to Heaven, which is quite lovely, duh?!?!?!

But today, I heard this verse in a different way. I have been listening to a book on tape about insecurities. I am almost done with the book, which means I am at the point where it is time to stop talking about them and accept the challenge to do something about them! Here appears the verse, "How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty!" The author explains the simple truth that many Christians have heard countless times- if you are indeed a Christian, Christ dwells in you! She goes on to explain that since Christ dwells in you, you are LOVELY!!! The Bible tells us so, right there in Psalm 84:1.
What an amazing truth-nugget to cling to!!!!!
I am LOVELY!!!!

Thank you, Jesus, for this revelation today!!! Thank you for helping me to see myself as you see me!!!!

Dear Friend,

Today I am letting the shadows of my fears tower over and over power me. I had another dream last night. It was a dream that only served to reinforce the feelings associated with the lies to which I have been listening for the past several weeks. I was alone in my room, with all kinds of pests crawling across the floor, while everyone else (the group I so desperately want to be a part of) was next door, laughing and carrying on- enjoying each other's company! I had been left out!

I wonder if I will ever be able to make a connection. I feel like I have tried so hard, for so long, in so many areas of my life- and failed as many times.

Today is hard! And I haven't even made it out of bed yet!!!

None

I knew you'd try that.
I just knew.
And here I am, taking that action and multiplying it a hundred times over with reasons and motives as to why you did that!!!
I am frustrated.
FRUSTRATED!
That I can't seem to move beyond this.
I'm still stuck.
I'm still scared of what you might really think about me.
I understand that it is complete lack of trust on my part.
I desperately want to believe you.
But I don't.
Not sure I ever will.
And that makes me sad.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes?????

When I was a little girl, I had a recurring dream. More like nightmare. I remember it occurring every night (I was seven- it is quite possible that I have misinterpreted the frequency of this occurrence) for a long period of time (I might say a year but please keep in mind the fact that I was seven)...
My cousin and I would be walking in front of a shopping strip, empty parking lot and would somehow end up in the middle of a street which also happened to be at the top of a hill. Then, my cousin would disappear. There I was in the middle of the street, lost, scared and hopeless, searching for the direction- straining my eyes to see if I could see her somewhere down the road...anywhere! I would always wake up about that point, undoubtedly scared and unsure how to resolve the fear that beat inside my chest.

I am not quite sure when it stopped. Or why it stopped. I do know that I had that dream again about a year ago. With it came those old feelings.

Recently, my dreams have been extremely vivid. And scary. Not recurring, always different dreams about the same people or situation, seemingly. And with these come the same feelings. Fear, uncertainty, hurt, disappointment, anger! The dreams are so life-like that I find myself struggling with these feelings during my day, replaying the nightmare over and over and trying to separate my reality from my nightmare.

I know not about the meanings of my dreams. I have tried. And been somewhat unsuccessful at uncovering all the meanings. I do know that the feelings with which I struggle in my dreams are the feelings with which I struggle in my days. Maybe that is all it is and will ever be- just a way to decompress.
However, it would almost be worth it to not go to sleep!

The Warrior Is a Child...

Appreciate you telling me. I really do!
But am absolutely uncertain as to what to do with that bit of information.
Liked hearing that you thought of me, alot.
Not so sure what that means.
Hoping beyond hope that whatever you decide will only serve to bring you peace and contentment.
I, too, want peace and contentment.
More than that, I want your friendship.
Hard to move beyond that today.
I tried.
I really did!!!!
Only led to overthinking, sleep deprivation and tears.
More tears than I want to admit. More tears than were necessary.
Still awake...looking for distractions...

Oh My!

Day 11/45

I have to admit that I cheated a little.
I have logged in a couple of times in the last few days.
This is my confession. I am asking for forgiveness.

In other news...
There is a cute new match in the inbox of my online matchmaker. He is tall, dark, handsome, and left-handed!
Maybe. Just maybe.
But thinking about it now, and playing in my head, will only serve to fuel my disappointment when nothing happens. Or worse, rejection!

J- say a prayer, I would really like him to contact me!!!!!

I love my friends! :)

I Gave Facebook Up For Lent

Day 1/45

I have never formally celebrated Lent. In my family, it was commonly held as a legalistic ritual that did not fit with our 'religion.' But there is something about this tradition that calls to me. There is something about a willing sacrifice that offers hope of new perspectives, new ideas and new opportunities.

And there is a freedom that comes with the recognition that I have allowed something to so consume my thoughts, my time, my life that little else mattered.

Facebook has been my idol. Not facebook, only. But certain individuals on whom I depended for validation, reassurance, value, and significance. These things consumed me. Consume me, still. Motivate my decisions. And rip me apart on the inside.

I realize it is because I have taken my focus off 'heavenly things' and placed my heart in the hands of others. Hands that cared not. Hands that knew not how to handle the already-broken mess. Hands that held their own already-broken mess.

It is time to take back possession of my heart. And willingly place it in the Hands of Jesus. For Healing. Validation. Reassurance. Value. And Significance. Part of that process is removing myself from that which has only served to add to the chaos and confusion of my heart and mind.

Giving up facebook for Lent. Gaining Freedom, Peace, Security in Christ!!

God shows Himself mighty.
Every day.
With us.
Without us.
His Word tells us that He chooses "the simple things to shame the wise" and "the weak to shame the strong."

And God has chosen to use students just beginning their lives to speak to me, one who has struggled for most of her life to believe His truths.

No thing can be more humbling than that.

Save one.

I have known for most of my life that my calling in life was 'teacher.'

Most of my childhood, I would return from school only to retreat to my room and play 'school,' teaching any and all stuffed animals that would sit and listen. Somehow I ended up with teacher editions of old textbooks, which only served to enhance the game! I loved it!!!

I started out teaching social studies to high school students. I had lofty dreams of making a difference changing the world, if only the world of one child! I loved the thought of teaching older students and knew without a doubt that I was fulfilling my purpose. That was, until, I entered the high school classroom. What ensued was a year of hard lessons followed by an uphill journey to find 'my real purpose.' I knew, absolutely, at that point that teaching was not for me. I ran from teaching. I ran from God. And I ended up in a place that God was all I had. As it turns out, He was all I needed.

I walked through door after God-opened door and in this process was restored, redirected, and reassured that teaching was, in fact, my calling.
I began teaching elementary, starting in First Grade and moving to Kindergarten.
More processes.
More doors.
More lessons learned (and learning).

God has been faithful in these processes; through these doors; and in these lessons. God is concerned about me; He wants my best; and He will go to great lengths to bring about my growth!

I have been given opportunities to speak the Truth. I have seized those opportunities to share with these little ones, and in doing so have heard my voice speaking His Truth!

God shows Himself mighty.

In me.

Through me.

God has chosen to use my voice to speak to my soul.

Few things are more amazing than that!